Hablemos, Tele

By: Tele Figueroa

Date: July 16, 2026

This is the place where you’ll witness some of the strangest and most oversized things on the planet. If you don’t believe me, just take a look at this:

• Trains from Outer Space: The freight trains here are so incredibly long that an operator swore to me that if he ever needs to check on the very last car, it’s faster to head to the airport, catch a flight, and land in the neighboring state—because the end of the train has already crossed the state line.
• High-Flying Highways: The overpasses used to transition from one highway to another are so colossal they should probably hand out oxygen masks. If you get curious, just look up the “High Five Interchange” in Dallas or the “Spaghetti Bowl” in Houston. They are five-level concrete labyrinths; when that Texas fog rolls in, you feel like you are literally driving through the clouds without a glimpse of the ground.
• Wolves or Urban Myths?: Out here on the outskirts of Richmond, the local pet laws are strict; you won’t see a single stray dog running around. However, the Homeowners Association (HOA) recently sent out a warning telling us to watch out for the “wild wolves” coming down to scavenge through the trash cans. I burst out laughing, and I’m pretty sure the local coyotes (because that’s what they actually are, even if they look like something out of a Hollywood movie!) laughed too. I mean, what kind of leftovers are they expecting to find in the trash when nobody cooks around here and the restaurants are packed every single day?
• Distances and Hidden Treasures: Crossing Texas from one end to the other by car takes a solid day and a half of pure driving. And if it ever crosses your mind to drive a stake or dig a hole in your backyard, you have to get a permit from the city because all the water, gas, and power lines are buried underground… though with a bit of luck, you might just end up striking oil!
• Weather and Culture: The heat between July and mid-September isn’t just summer; it’s a trial run for a cremation. But what we lack in cool weather, we make up for in cultural encounters: every single time I go somewhere and people find out I’m Puerto Rican, they immediately ask if I know Bad Bunny.

A quick note for my fellow Puerto Ricans thinking about visiting: Remember the slang changes here! If a local asks you for an “aventón”, don’t go blowing in their face…they are just asking you for a “pon” (a ride) in your car. And around here, “ahorita” doesn’t mean “later” or “tomorrow”; it means right now!

So, go ahead and gear up for a little trip to Texas to shake things up. I’ll be waiting for you!