Hablemos, Tele

By: Tele Figueroa

June 25, 2024

Introduction

We have always used the phrase “leading a dog’s life” to describe someone who is suffering, working from dawn to dusk, or going through a miserable streak. But let’s be honest: whoever invented that expression hasn’t stepped into a modern home in the last twenty years. Nowadays, popular language is lying straight to our faces. The true “dog’s life” is the gold standard of high society.

Let’s do a quick comparison between harsh human reality and the “suffering” of man’s best friend:

1. Health and Financial Well-being

When a human gets sick, they tremble. They have to check if their health plan covers the visit, pay deductibles, and fight with the pharmacy—unless they happen to be friends with the owner of a local community drugstore. The dog? The dog goes to a VIP vet. He has no insurance, doesn’t know what a copay is, and his owner pulls out the credit card with tears in their eyes to pay for a dental treatment while the pooch happily chews on a rubber toy.

2. Grooming and Personal Care

We, the owners, go months with the same haircut or paint our nails at home to save a buck. The dog has his monthly appointment at the Grooming salon. He is driven there, his fur is trimmed with high-precision scissors, his nails are filed, his teeth are brushed with bacon-flavored toothpaste, and he returns home smelling like lavender. The bill? Zero dollars for him. He is a king who knows nothing of money.

3. Daily Routine and Free Transportation

The average human spends the day under the stress of work, paying the mortgage, and calculating the price of gas. Meanwhile, the dog is inside the house, with the air conditioning at the perfect temperature, fresh filtered water, and a cozy blanket to lie on almost all day long. To make matters worse, they have a free chauffeur and personal trainer: at the end of the day, the owner—exhausted after working 8 hours—takes him out for a walk along the sidewalk or the park just so he can breathe some fresh air.

The Danger of Vacations: The Versace Case

We humans can barely fund a quarter of a dog’s entertainment. And if you don’t believe me, let me tell you what happened with my own little dog, a Maltipoo named Versace (a name that, I now realize, does way too much justice to his expensive tastes).

Not long ago, we went away for a long weekend vacation and left Versace at a pet hotel. Everything was going fine until I went to pick him up. I paid the mandatory boarding fee, but the receptionist handed me another bill from a nearby Pub with a rather hefty total.

What happened? It turns out that at the hotel, Versace met a little female dog of his same breed named Ina. To celebrate the sparks flying and to play the big shot, Versace decided to invite Ina and all the other pets at the hotel to the Pub, with all food and drink expenses paid by him (which is to say, billed to my bank account). When I finally went to pick him up, the guy actually cried in the car because he missed his beloved Ina and was leaving her behind. A hopeless romantic with someone else’s wallet!

And as if that weren’t enough, the romance completely changed his tastes. Now, the gentleman wants nothing to do with his old toys; he demands designer coats, Gucci leashes and bags, and looks at his bowl of kibble with contempt if it isn’t catered food brought straight from a restaurant.

My advice to you: Please, keep a close eye on this so it doesn’t happen to any of you. Learn from my experience: restrict your pets’ credit card usage, try to keep them from falling in love at hotels, and above all, don’t let them find out about designer brands! Puppy love turns out to be extremely expensive…

Conclusion

The next time you see me stressed, tired, and paying bills, don’t tell me I’m leading a dog’s life. I only wish I had that level of royalty, romance, pub parties, and zero worries. Is that a bad life? That is love, and a dog’s life! 😂

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